How to Denude a Niqabi: An Exercise in Hypothetical Jurisprudence
Ali Eteraz*
Some of us know the rambunctious reality of erotic yearning at the local mosques. I shall reveal how it is accomplished; specifically the methods of seduction a sinner might use in seeking to have the most stolid of the muslimahs dispense with their garments, namely, the niqabi. Where such dispensation is not possible — whether by virtue of cowardice or lack of cojones — other options are offered which are far more subtle, and actually far more effective as they are rooted in the great morass of Islamic Tradition, which is some parts fiqh – religious jurisprudence – and some parts fuqhing.[fn 1]
The niqabi’s psychology consists of nine parts desire and one part fear of phallus. This is inferred from the fact that even though the Quran contains no mention of erecting a black tent over one’s body, countless of our sisters presume to go further than mere covering up one’s “adornments”, and move to turning themselves into a walking ink blot. Psychiatrists could save a lot of money and humanity a lot of trees if we simply had one niqabi sitting silently in each doctor’s office. From one angle she is a victim; from another she is opening to a wormhole leading to paradise.
Nevertheless, the point that her psyche is composed of sexuality [seething, pulsating] is inferred from the fact that her entire public existence is organized around denying the sexuality of others. How eroticized must she think the rest of us to be to think that all people do is think with their phalluses. Certainly she is right in thinking that about me. I do. I am, in fact, composing this with “one hand.” But as the herd repeatedly reminds me, they are nothing like me. This can only mean that the herd isn’t erotic. As such, the herd should be insulted that the niqabi thinks of them as horn-dogs. Yet the herd, singing its braying sopranos, isn’t insulted by her. I am tired of the niqabi’s oppression over the sheep of the faith, so I offer tried and true methods of denuding the niqabi; methods rooted in the legal loopholea of fiqh.
The first thing to be done in order to determine whether the niqabi at issue even ought to be worthy of your attention is to determine whether beneath her shroud she is attractive. Do not be riddled by the rookie mistake in thinking that just because a woman covered her body means that you would have been aroused if she hadn’t. Some women cover themselves because they are hot. Some women cover themselves because its the only way someone might think they are hot.
The best method of evaluating a niqabi for physique is to order the sisters to the back of the mosque [that shouldn't be hard]. However, some geometric geography must be paid attention to. It is better to push the niqabis back near the windows. This way, when the sun shines into their niqabs, a soft silhouette of their bodies beneath the billowing shrouds will become visible. Take your legally allowed “one look” and you’ve gauged who is worthy of your time. The next thing is to approach said niqabi.
However, this immediately poses a problem. How can one be alone with one woman? What of the hadith that says when a man and woman are alone, Satan is the third? [Unless one is a Satan fetishist, thats a manage trois no one consents to]. If you try to be alone with a niqabi, she with her ultra-polished sexuality radar — didn’t you know that niqabis can prophesize erections? — will not consent to be alone with you. Tis true. Thankfully, we can bring fiqh to the rescue.
You must approach two niqabis together. Immediately state to them the following sentences: “Sisters, I must speak to you, however, I fear hell. I am afraid that your voices would arouse me, as such, I request that you please not speak. Further, your eyes are very alluring. I fear that looking at them would arouse me. Kindly wrap these blind folds around your heads so that I am not tempted by you.”
A logically consistent niqabi cannot object. She is so obsessed with not leading to hard-ons in others, she will comply. Now, with your voice guide the two niqabis to an empty room, tell the one you’re not interested in to go stand in a corner, and now begin speaking to the one whose silhouette you earlier spied.
Once standing in front of her, ask her if she is alright being in a secluded room with you. What’s she going to do? It’s not like she can reply. Silence is consent in some schools of law. At the least, there is a hadith about it on the subject.[Fn 2]. You cite hadith without context in other situations; why not do it here?
Careful now, prospective sinner. Just because you have her alone and amorous does not mean you can actually touch her. There is the matter of adultery, fornication, skins touching, and all other impermissibilities. Bring again your despiritualized legal Islamic knowledge to the rescue. The ‘illa behind not touching a woman is based on the assumption that skin-on-skin contact is arousing. Well, put on a glove. Now you can start the touching.
Oh, but wait, what about the fact that there is no marriage here? Simple, my simpleton of a sinner. A marriage requires nothing more than a pronunciation of marriage before two able witnesses. Since the bride herself cannot be a witness, your prospective lover does not count. Her friend counts but since women are only half of a witness of a man, you are still lacking one and a half witnesses. This is not an insurmountable problem.
Remember the hadith that when one man and one woman are alone, Satan is the third? Well, logically this means that when a man is alone with two women, there are two Satans present (the one between you and one woman and the one between you and the other woman). Plus, satans are male. Also, being jinns who are the “co-creations” of humanity, they are equivalent to us humans. There is no fiqhi requirement for Satans (or humans) to be Muslim in order to be witnesses. Perform the nikah before these two (and a half) witnesses and feel free to take off the glove.
What? What are you staring at? Not convinced that a marriage can be witnessed before two Satans? Come now. Find me a place in the Quran, hadith, or even the ijma’ where it is illegal. At the least, it is legal until the ‘ijma makes it illegal. You’ve got some time till that happens since we aren’t even able to get ijma’ on what day the moon comes out. Carry on with your ceremony. Perform it again with her friend. Have your sin and eat her too. When you’re done, do the triple divorce.
Fn1: Fuqhing: The use of fiqh to legitimize sexual sin.
Fn2: Aisha, may Allah be pleased with her, reported: I said: “O messenger of Allah, a virgin is abashed!” And he responded: Your consent is your silence.”
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