My Name is Samuel Huntington: I Rule
Ali Eteraz
My name is Samuel Huntington. I am a professor at Harvard; please don’t forget that. I have been teaching at Harvard since 1950. I have no intention of going anywhere else. Because I have done more to shape the culture at Harvard than anyone else, when I pass away (assuming I am not immortal), Harvard will be renamed Huntington. The mascot should remain named Crimson; the color goes well with my theories.
Hey, aren’t my glasses sexy? Of course they are; they are a product of Western culture, which rules. And we rule because ours is the best culture in applying “organized violence.” We Westerners cannot forget that. Heck, we can’t apologize for it either, because after all, our violence is organized, and all organized things are good; except organized immigrant labor, all of whom should be deported (especially if they are Latinos) which doesn’t happen to be “anglo-protestant.” Yeah, I really do like these glasses; I bought them during WWII, if you couldn’t tell from their size. They help date my ideological biases.
So, what makes me special? Well, most recently I invented a new language. It is called HuntingTongue. My research assistants haven’t yet created any letters or grammar for it but I can tell you that its basic function is to permit Anglo-Protestant people to dispose of Latino and Muslim critics by way of a linguistic two-step. First you posit a theory that maligns colored people of some type by insinuating that they are inherently violent. Second, when the theory is demonstrated to be completely empirically unverifiable, you simply continue to insist on its validity even at the expense of common sense; eventually, either President Bush or Pat Robertson and Fox News will pick it up, because as I often teach budding policy wonks, repetition teaches even the donkey. A good example of HuntingTongue is my use of the slogan “Islam has bloody borders.” As you can see from the fact that the most violent region in the Muslim world today is not its border at all, but its heart in Iraq (which, in fact, we in the West with our “organized violence” make bloodier), the slogan is actually completely wrong. Chortle. However, since I repeated it enough, there are enough donkeys to make a movement of braying asses out of it. Heehaw.
My previous accomplishments include making the magisterial assertion that global conflicts are between civilizations and not ideologies. This assertion has brought me fame and fortune with which I have been able to plug up all my orifices so that I do not need to respond to the fact that my assertion doesn’t actually pass the threshold of third grade social studies. After all, the Hutus and Tutsis killed each other yet they were in the same civilization; the Irish terrorized the British yet they were in the same civilization; the Basques terrorized the Spanish yet they were in the same civilization; the Tamil terrorized the Sinhala yet they were in the same civilization; Taiwan and China hate each other yet they are in the same civilization; Iraq and Iran fought each other yet they are in the same civilization; North and South Korea hate each other yet they are in the same civilization. Despite the countervailing evidence I really don’t need to adjust my thesis because it only impacts people who are not named Samuel P. Huntington, the Ruler of Huntington University in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Besides, it makes for a fat paycheck, and if I don’t make sure to get paid, those Mexicans will steal my wages. What do I care if by relying on my thesis a bunch of rapacious right wingers in Europe sit around and malign all people in the Muslim and Latino world? I’m not either. Chortle.
Anyway, I’m pretty tired now. Before I go, I want to give a middle finger salute to Orson Wells because he stole the title I was first going to give my book: War of the Worlds. That is really the aim of my entire outlook.